Recovering After the Date with My Wife’s Boyfriend

That’s an unfair headline, but I’m going with it for now until I think of something more appropriate.  Regardless, I am basically recovering from the date Friday night when I went out with my wife and her ‘boy friend’.

I wrote about this before hand a few days back

Things that completely Derail your Week: Server problems, Noisy Neighbors Construction and Your Wife’s boyfriend

Now, before I go any further, I need to say some things up front.  This site is called There’s Something about Harry.  I’m Harry, its a play on my middle name.  I started this site almost 4 years ago and the site has no purpose.  If you are reading this, all you are going to get is a little insight into my thoughts, a snapshot in time of my mind.

Years back, I created the site to practice some things with html and css.  Then soon after I used it to break writers block, going through a number of silly exercises to get my creative juices flowing.  Back then I was working as a new blogger, a ghost writer and a business developer.

Anyway, this site never had a purpose other than to be a support for me.  That is something that I appreciate a great deal more the last few days, as my site has turned into my therapist.

Time for Therapy

Deep Breathe, ok one more of those, Deep Breath

So after I wrote that last article a few things happened.  I wrote that article Thursday afternoon.  I was pretty sure I was not going to go out with my wife who had been invited by a guy she met on our anniversary when we went out to celebrate 16 years of marriage.  She’s a flirt in a physical way, and he flirted back heavily.

They exchanged contact information and developed a ‘friendship’ in the days and weeks that followed.  I didn’t know about the friendship until sometime around Tuesday night, which was about 3 weeks after the fact give or take a few days.

We had plans to go and see the New Moon premier after midnight Thursday night, Becky and a friend from work (female) and her friend/old boyfriend.

I wasn’t super thrilled about seeing the premier, but that was mostly because I’m not crazy about the twilight movies.  They are a little too teenage focused for me.

Twilight Series Spoiler alert

The books are fine enough, even though I get a little annoyed that

  1. Edward takes too long to figure out that he should turn Bella into a vampire (3 books) sorry about the spoiler . .
  2. Edward, a 109 year old male, doesn’t realize that he is capable of producing sperm, and that a girl could get pregnant from sperm

End of spoiler

But my wife loves the series, the books, the movies, the sound tracks, pretty much the whole works and she reads a lot of vampire books and series now as a result.

So we went, and I had a good time.  We stopped by a bar on the way.  I had two killian’s red beers before the movie and I enjoyed it.  The movie complex ran the movie in 9 different theaters and the place was packed.  The movie wasn’t quite as teeny bopper focused as Twilight.  The special effects were alright (the werewolves in the early scenes were a little goofy).  The romeo and juliet vibe between bella and edward is realized in a campy romantic way, and Jacob’s ability to steal a scene really showed its teeth in New Moon.  I almost got the sense that whenever there was a scene with Edward, the movie was going down hill and whenever a scene with Jacob showed up things were better.  But from an artistic perspective that’s kind of the point of the second book and probably done intentionally in the movie too.

Throughout the night, I made a couple joking comments via twitter, and all in all it was a decent night,but . . . I was dreading Friday night and the DATE.

To make things more complex, my wife was awaiting the results of her National Boards.  They were due sometime on Friday.  So the night out at How at the Moon in Charlotte, took on a new importance.  It was either going to be a celebration or a consolation for my wife depending on if she passed her boards or not.  She completed them last spring and it takes the board something like 6 months to tally up scores.  Rather ridiculous if you ask me, and I know a thing or two about board processes.  If you haven’t been through a medical board, or a military board, or an educational board, you might liken it to something like a CPA exam or sitting for the Bar exam.

Friday, we woke up late after being up late.  We got the kids on the bus for school and Becky dropped our youngest off at school.

Sometime in the mid morning she got her results back, and she did not pass all of her boards.  So she now has to redo/retake some of these.  This is a grueling process and a shit load of work.  Not to mention she (we) had to pay $4k out of pocket last year for her to take them.  Now we will have to pay another $1k to retest, and finances have not been great this year, nor last year.  We’re going to do it, but its not going to be easy.

She was pretty upset, and despite all of my issues with the DATE, I did everything I could to make her feel better.  We went out to eat, and went shopping at Kohls for something for her to wear to the DATE that night, then we went around to two of the schools picking up our daughters.

Got home, she took a nap and I picked up our son.

Sometime after that I think I wrote that article above.

She might have had another nap as well.  Stress and being out late, and me hemming and hawing about whether I would go or not, mostly me leaning towards not going at all, or possibly driving her there, dropping her off and picking her up after she was done and ready to leave so that she had a safe trip to and from without any cabs or opportunity to go home with her boyfriend. (I didn’t think that latter aspect was likely, but well, we’re all human.)

We did talk about things throughout the day a bit.  It was helping (me) to talk about it, but I didn’t get a chance to really express my feelings until I wrote the blog article.  When I did write it, that was my subjective perspective.  I’m not an objective writer, by choice.  I can write objectively with the best of them, but I see little value in objectivity, something I won’t go into in this article because it doesn’t relate.

People, friends and family, kept asking me if I was going and wishing me a good time.  I kept telling them, I’m not sure if I’m going or not.  They didn’t understand.  Got a lot of weird looks that day, but they didn’t know about my wife’s friend nor did they have the visuals of him groping her stuck in their head.

Ultimately, towards the last minute, I decided to go.  I had a lot of reasons for this, but primarily I wanted to BE THERE, I wanted to present myself as a candidate for my wife’s attentions.  I didn’t feel like this was fair, we’re married.  Now, I don’t believe in marriage for a lot of reasons, never have, never will (new fodder for the fire in this).  But for those that do believe in marriage (sorry about that flawed condition if you have it) people tend to think that if you are married you should not fall for someone else, you shouldn’t flirt with someone else, you shouldn’t make your spouse/significant other jealous, yada yada yada.

That’s all bullshit.  People are humans and we aren’t wired that way.  I know that, appreciate it, and live aware of it.  I don’t embrace the fact in a free love kind of way popular in the 60’s, but I know that things can happen.  That emotions and feelings can develop.

I mentioned in the article that I did not want to lose Becky.  I love Becky.  I didn’t want to compete for her, because that goes against my nature, against the few beliefs I have, but that night I chose to at least be there.

She needed my support for the boards, she needed a designated driver, and any other time, I would have loved to go and have a good time.

Before we left I had a shot of seagrams.  Becky drove, we picked up her girl friend and we headed to Charlotte.  I had a couple more beers before switching to diet coke and sobering up.  I just couldn’t face the night with the edge that was present in my head.  Plus, its a fucking dueling paino bar.  You almost can’t go there and deal with the place on a normal night without some alcohol. (The performers are good, and funny, but alcohol is part of the experience.)

We arrived and joined the table that the boyfriend had won, driving the invitation and my purpose as the DD.  He was sitting with another couple, some friends, 1 of which he worked with I think.  It was their first time at a piano bar, and I don’t think they were really into it(they were drinking, but probably not enough).  I couldn’t really make much contact with the boyfriend.  I figured if I did, I’d probably end up doing something I would regret.  That might have ranged anywhere from cracking a bunch of jokes, insulting him out right, belittling him in front of a crowd, throwing stuff, taking a cheap shot at him with my fist, starting a full blown fight, getting pissed at my wife and storming out, ditching her there, or who knows what else.

So I basically watched the band and sang along.  I put on a good face and held it together pretty well.

On the drive there, I got a tweet from someone that commented about the fact that I had mentioned in a tweet that I was heading out with my wife so she could be with her boyfriend.

@capitalfellow

@brettbum sounds more emasculating than dumb. #goodluckwiththat

I think he was responding to one of these messages, but I’m not sure which:

image

Some people would read that and feel a little embarrassed, others might even feel like it was a little insulting or described them as being less than . . . .something.

For me it actually kicked off a little bit of courage.  I’ve never bought into the whole masculinity crap.  I don’t fret about my masculinity.  I’m actually extremely confident in myself and don’t have to live up to some goofy stereotype. (like driving your wife to a date with her boyfriend is bad apparently).

OK, I need to set something a little straight.  I’m referring to the guy as boyfriend and the event as a date.  But in fairness, that is more me writing.  When I write, especially about my life, there are a lot of odd things that have happened to me over the years.  For example, I had a run in with organized criminals in china that were knocking off Motorola 2 way radios and selling them on the black market, these ended up as key parts used for IEDs in Iraq.  I became a whistleblower, they threatened to kill me.  My life is not uneventful.

To deal with shit like that (and this) I have to use words that help me summarize the experience in terms that others will understand quickly, otherwise, I’ll write or say 10,000 words explaining a fine point.  So when I call it a date, she wasn’t going out on a date just to be with this guy, but that’s the easiest way I can convey the event and the emotions in my head that I experienced then when I thought about the event.

My wife is not a bad person.  I don’t think she has cheated on me.  I don’t think she intended to hurt me.  ( I was hurt, but I don’t think the intent was there.) And she did need to go out and have a good time that night to lick her wounds from the results of the boards.

Anyway, for now, I’m going to keep referring to things this way.  I have to partly for my own peace of mind to help exorcise the daemons in my head.  I have to say the words enough so that they won’t have any power of me or my emotions any more, because right now they are tearing me up inside.

So anyway the comment actually helped me remember who I was a bit, and remember more importantly where I came from and how I came to be, and that gave me some strength to put it into perspective and when I got there, I didn’t just drop Becky off and come back later.  I went in and stayed until we left later, together.

Now, while we were there things weren’t all perfect.  I was having a mostly good time for the first few hours as long as I didn’t look the wrong way.  I opened up a tab, Becky and her friend had a shot, bought by a third couple that joined us late.

We sent in a lot of song requests, including one from me, Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum.  That song has a lot of history for me and symbolizes the energy I need to get through very very difficult personal situations.  I’ve turned to it in times of need many times over the years.  I haven’t had need of it in a few years.

I gave $5 to get that one played, normally I give $2 or $3.  The piano player saw it and gave me a look, like fat chance.  (they didn’t play Every day is Halloween, on Halloween when we were there for our anniversary), so I figured that I just lost $5.

But much later that evening they played it.  That helped quite a bit, but before we got there, I was writing up a later song request, when the other piano player turned the spot light on me (we were at a table close to the stage) and said that he’d have to get me up on stage because I was not singing along to the current song (I wasn’t even paying attention because I was writing a song request).  He made some joke about me being ‘too cool for school’ and the blazer I was wearing and told me to get my Nicholas Cage ass up on the stage.
I went and had to sing the chorus of Chuck Berry’s “My Ding Aling” in front of an audience, including my wife’s boyfriend.

I was a good sport, but holding that microphone at that point in time was a dangerous thing.  I was having a hard time singing, not because I was embarrassed about the song, but because, I thought about ripping into the boyfriend with the mic or explaining to the audience the situation that had brought me up on stage to be the subject of a ridiculous song.  I also thought about throwing the microphone at the guy, but doubted my aim given my high level of fury.  That and the spotlights in my eyes were messing with me a bit.

So I kind of sang, in a William “Bubba” Shatner kind of way.

That was not my last time on stage singing that night.

the next time was more comfortable for strange reasons.

The night went on, Becky had a great time, danced quite a bit (with the crowd of other women that were dancing in front of and on the stage).  She was having a good time, and I was happy for her.

Later that night, they brought a guy up on stage.  He’d just gotten back from Africa or Iraq (not sure which) where he had been serving with the military.  I think his first name was Jerry.  For some reason I got a feeling he was a Doctor, just had that look.  Before you know it they were calling out to have all veterans come up on stage.

I’m a veteran, I joined the army when the US was building up on the Kuwait border in the fall of 1990.  I started Basic, the day the war started.  I served during but not in the first Persian Gulf War.  I later supported the mission to Somalia and Haiti, I worked the Balkans desk in the early 90’s but never deployed.  I see myself as a veteran, but I see a big difference in veterans that have been deployed to a foreign country to fight and those that haven’t.  Normally, I don’t stand up for recognition during these types of things, but this time with the encouragement of Becky I found myself heading up on stage, where my Nicolas Cage ass joined with other veterans to sing Proud to be an American, a country song (not terribly fond of country music) which I learned to sing along to and drink copious amounts of beer when I was in the Army stationed in Texas years ago.

That felt better than singing My Ding aling in front of my wife’s boy friend.

As the night went on, I mostly held in there.  My wife sat across from me the entire night pretty much.  One of her beefs with me is that I don’t flirt with her in public, I don’t hang on her, tickle her, kiss/fondle her stuff like that.  Its mostly true.  Its not her, its me.  I try but it just doesn’t manifest, which is one of the things that drove her to flirt with the other guy weeks earlier, and knowing that I don’t give her what she wants in this way, I didn’t mind, then.

But I couldn’t quite do it Friday night either.  I was trying to keep a level head and not do something that would make me look like a complete asshole and might increase my wife’s sympathy for the other guy, like ridiculing him on stage, or throwing a beer bottle at his head.

Towards the end of the night, most of the people from our table’s party had left, including a woman that had come to be something of an almost date with my wife’s boyfriend.  She was uncomfortable all night long, I think they are mismatched, and that’s just me being honest.  Some strange lady at the bar that night even tried to set this girl up with her brother at a different table, taking her away from my wife’s boyfriend and his chances of possibly connecting with someone else (besides my wife).

I seriously felt bad for the guy for the way she was treating him.  I don’t dislike this guy (for the most part).  I see my issues or complaints here as a problem in my own head.  A personal emotional weakness that I didn’t know I had, or something new that has developed over 16 years of a ‘safe’ marriage relationship.

However, she eventually left kind of early, after playing text messaging games most of the night.  She did finally start to sing along after a couple Blue Moon beers at the very end for 20-30 minutes.

But when she left, the boyfriend was at one end of the group of tables separated by the rest of us by at least one chair.  My wife eventually moved chairs on the opposite side of the tables and sat next to him.  She was trying to flirt with me under the table touching me with her toes and fingers, but I couldn’t look her way and respond without bringing her boyfriend into my field of vision.  So I turned the other way towards the stage and stared at a spot where the mirror met the wood wall behind the piano and held a guitar hanging on the wall.

I was trying to remain calm and not storm out and never come back.

Eventually, she moved to my side of the table, but that ended up putting her between me and her boyfriend.  Again, I couldn’t turn to look at her without seeing him (even worse than before).  I could see out of the corner of my eye that she was talking with him, which was normal a bit, we were his guests that night.

But at one point, I glanced across the table to my wife’s girl friend.  She was tired and had been drinking water to sober up, but she was looking at Becky and her boyfriend, she had a look on her face, like I can’t believe you are doing that.  (we had all talked about my issue with Becky and her boyfriend in the car on the way there, so I knew she knew.  Plus, she is recently divorced from a guy that treated her like shit and cheated on her multiple times or something).

When I saw that temporary look on her face (and I don’t know maybe she was looking behind becky at a guy standing on the bar mooning people or something) I almost lost it.  I thought, she’s flirting with him, she’s touching him, or he’s touching her.  My wife’s friend knows something I don’t know about the whole thing, and now she’s seeing it happen and I’m sitting right there, helpless to do anything about it because if I punch him in the face, she’ll be mad at me, and might even sympathize with the person hit as opposed to me as the aggressor (fucking 80’s movies where the guy that punches is always the asshole).  :)

Even now as I sit here, I hope I simply mis-read the body language and facial expression of my wife’s girl friend.  One of the main reasons why I did NOT want to go, was because I did not want to add any new mental images to my list like her touching him, him touching her etc.  But I was not prepared to possibly add an image that to me seemed to cement the concept that there WAS something between my wife and this other guy.  Its one thing for me to have my suspicions, its another for my suspicions to be present on the face of one of my wife’s closest girlfriends, and that look to be one of slight revulsion too.

I was hurt all over again.

I got my tab closed and paid, gave the waitress a $15 cc tip and a $5 cash tip for a bill that merited about a $10 tip.  I couldn’t leave the place fast enough.  I had to walk the long walk across the outdoor courtyard slowly because the girls were in heals.  I was walking in front alone, couldn’t look back.  The girls were following somewhere behind me with the boyfriend.

We got to the elevator, all got in, and headed down, thankfully to different levels, he got out at P1, we got out at P2, we shook hands, me and the boyfriend, at some point and that was it.  I drove home and the girls fell asleep on the way home.  My gps took me on a wrong turn at one point, but we made it home without any events along the way.  We had no discussion of things that night that I remember, just went to sleep.

The next day Becky was very tired from being out late two nights in a row and drinking heavily.  (she had won a drink from a contest in addition to the beers she was nursing and the shot she was given).  That’s a WHOLE lot more than she normally drinks.

She napped on and off throughout the day.

That evening I went with her mother and my second daughter to our friends house that was having a wine tasting.  Becky wasn’t up to being social nor wine.  While there, Becky replied to one of my emails that I had written earlier that week about the whole situation.  She sent me a long reply, and I got it on the phone and we started emailing back and forth a lot about everything.

That was a good thing.

Over the years, we have not talked to each other enough.  When we have serious discussions about things, life, our feelings, she tends to get emotionally upset and tears flow.  I can’t handle tears.  So I never bring those topics up again, which creates a relationship boundary, an area where I can’t go again.

That over the years has made it difficult for me to communicate.  On top of that, she has developed the skill of killing these conversations midstream as a defense mechanism (new thing from about 7 years ago).  So we have now this practiced thing of specifically not talking to each other.

The email conversation seemed to actually cut through those barriers in ways that talking in person never have.

Last night we talked about that in depth, and I’m hopeful that we might be able to communicate better, which would fill a big void in my life.  That’s also one that in my mind keeps me emotionally distant from Becky a bit more, When that happens, its even more difficult for me to display physical forms of affection with her, which creates a bigger void in her life.

Two voids don’t make for a good relationship.

The outward result is that we seem to have a married relationship much like every other married couple I know, where there is superficial banter about hidden problems in front of others, but nothing ever happens.  The ‘marriage’ locks them in this pattern and their relationship slowly degenerates over time until they either grow old and die, or get a divorce.

I suspect that if we continue not to do something about the growing void, we will be on a trajectory for a divorce.  It might be 2 years or 5 years or 15 years away.  (we have kids and that sometimes changes the marriage relationship dynamic and locks people together for all the wrong/right reasons).

But that’s not what I want.  It might be what she wants, but I don’t know.  I don’t know that she knows.  She’s skeptical that I can change and display affection for her publicly, or ‘show’ her that I love her in public.  Its been 16 years and I haven’t changed yet.

That hurts, its true.  But I just can’t be touchy feely with someone that I don’t have a highly connected mental connection with and we have these barriers.

We’re in a chicken and egg situation.  An stalemate that if broken might trigger a split.  Over the years, good sex has held that together.  We’ve always been very different, but physically in bed, we are mostly a great match (even though she’s short enough and I’m tall enough that a 69 position doesn’t quite work).  ;)  Yeah too much information, but this blog is for me, not you, you kept reading, you asked for it.

So this morning (sunday 2 days after the date), I woke up with this erasure song in my head, ‘A Little Respect’.  I love Erasure and have several of their albums.  This song’s lyrics have never meant anything to me before, but the lyrics were going through me head this morning with new meaning and a lot of it. (linked to it from YouTube, no idea if it will play in the future, because youtube kind of sucks that way)

I try to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
Why you’re making me work so hard

That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me
And if I should falter
Would you open your arms out to me
We can make love not war
And live at peace in our hearts
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
What religion or reason
Could drive a man to forsake his lover

Don’t you tell me no
Don’t you tell me no
Don’t you tell me no
Don’t you tell me no
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you’re making me work so hard
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

Now there’s another element to this whole emotional roller coaster escapade.  We’ve been married for 16 years.  Marriage tends to dullen the senses over time.  Its one of the reasons why I don’t believe in it.  People get trapped into patterns of behavior BECAUSE they are married and not because they are in love.

That’s a fast track path to hell from my perspective.  But the pain that came with this has helped me re-awaken some emotions in me that I haven’t felt in a long time.

I’m not some masochist that is looking for this type of pain, but its hard to experience and appreciate some emotions without grazing their antithesis.

In this case, my wife developed an emotional connection with a stranger, filling a bit of a void that our relationship together had created.  I may or may not lose her to him (probably a better chance of losing her to someone else some other day if the void continues to grow) but the hint of the potential, the pain that went with it and a lot more helped me to experience and feel things that marriage patterns had hidden for years.

That was good in that it helped me feel a little bit, like a person pricking their finger with a needle to make sure they are awake and not dreaming.

It completely fucking sucked because it hurt so much, and hurt not just because she dragged me out to hang out with her boyfriend but hurt because even though we have had a long and relatively happy marriage for 16 years, even though we have 3 great kids, her happy and healthy, even though we have helped each other through college and master’s degrees, and careers, and houses and moves, and family deaths and lots of stuff, even though we did all those things, I haven’t been able to make her happy enough so that she would not consider someone else given the slimmest of chance (like her sitting between me and another guy at a bar on our anniversary when we are supposed to be out on a date together).  Even with all of those things going for me in terms of relationship history, she still needed to find something else from someone else because she is skeptical of my ability to make her happy.

I my mind, the inability to make her happy makes me a bad person.  That’s an emotional, psychological flaw, or at least I’m pretty sure it is.  Its one that I wasn’t aware of and one that I intend to fix.  But I’ve always thought of myself as a good person, and if I’m not making her happy, then I must be doing something that doesn’t make her happy, and in my book that is bad.

So I think its a good thing that this situation came up at all.  Its helped me to see that I was hurting Becky.  Now, even as I write that and given the context of the other things I have written that may sound like I’m a little codependent or something (upset about hurting my wife so much she would bond with another guy and force me to go out on a date with the two of them, it wasn’t that bad, those words are emotional exaggerations representing my torn up feelings about what really happened.)

You see, I’m writing subjectively from my perspective.  There’s nothing objective about this.  I’m writing this to get my head straight, because I’m pretty fucked up today.  :)

There are definitely other sides to this story, but I can’t write those stories, I can only write what I know and what I know today.

What I know is that I’m glad I got this chance to realize I was hurting her and find a way to stop hurting her if that is possible.  I’m alive enough to know that there is a problem and aware enough to know just a little bit about my role in that problem.  I’ve always felt that if you are not ‘right with yourself’ you can not be in a healthy balanced relationship.

When my Becky and I got married, I felt like I was right with myself, but I felt like she was not.  In the last few years, I do think she has finally over come some of the inner turmoil that made her unbalanced.  I loved her then and married her knowing that she wasn’t emotionally strong enough to be in a balanced relationship with me or anyone.

Now she is mostly there, but what I’m starting to learn is that thing that made her unbalanced then might not have been an inner psychological issue, but it was me (or so she describes it).

Maybe the only way for us to be in a relationship is to be slightly off balance, one or the other of us.  It might be nice if everyone in the world could be in perfect harmony, but its probably wrong to wait to experience love until you are.  Its part of being alive that puts us in this human condition of chaos and unbalance and all the twists and turns that life gives us.

But I think I have a new problem, one that made need some professional help

So here is my new problem.  One of the things that has me so torn up is that image from last Tuesday of my wife chatting with this other guy, a guy that I didn’t even know she was bonded with.  That was surprising.

I didn’t realize that he had a place in her life, other than a little light flirting one drunken Halloween.

My world is a little upside down at the moment.  I’m filled with too many crazy suspicions that I’m having a hard time shaking.  Its everything I can do not to try and go hack into her computer, her email account, her instant messaging account and find out what she said to him in the past, what he said to her, what she might be saying now or him to her.

I even went so far as to look up a program that would log her keystrokes secretly and give me a report.

I was SOOOO tempted to buy that program and install it on her machine.

http://www.refog.com/register.html

But I didn’t.  I may be stupid for not doing that.  I may regret it someday, but I have this feeling that if I cross that line and invade her privacy ( a privacy that includes her conversations with strange guys that flirted with her, groped her and found their way into her heart as a friend filling a void that I couldn’t fill and one she is skeptical that I ever can), if I do that, I have a feeling that I will being signing the death warrant on our relationship.

I’m skilled enough that I could do it secretly, but in my own head, if I do that, its like swallowing the pill in Alice in Wonderland or in the Matrix.  Once you go through that door, you can never go back.

My love and relationship for her is built on some constructs in my head about what it means for me to love her and what it means for her to love me.  None of those constructs leave open a door where I can spy on her.  I’d let her leave me for any other guy, before I would do that.  If I did that, it would be as if I were admitting to myself that I don’t love her any more, and I do still love her.

I have to leave myself vulnerable, because its that vulnerability that helps me in my own head recognize that my love for her exists.

But it is so tempting.  When she gets on her computer, I’ve seen her message him on Yahoo.  She’s friends with him on facebook.  She left her work computer open the other day and I could see that she had received email messages from him.  I couldn’t read them, just the name and the subject title.

I know there is something in her machine that might shed some light on what type of relationship she has with him, but I can’t look, I won’t look, I’m stopping myself from trying.

But its driving me a little crazy (in a paralyzed with depression kind of way).

Today, I sat next to her and she was chatting with her girl friend a bit.  I didn’t read the message, but I had a glance and could see who it was.

I feel like shit every time I glance at her computer.  Its like being back at Howl at the Moon and I don’t want to look to the side where he’s sitting because I don’t want to add another mental image of him to my collection.

I don’t want to look at her computer screen from fear of seeing another chat with his name/profile or even an email in the inbox from him.

So even as I’ve begun to try and break down communication barriers with her, and have deeper conversations via email in a more leveled environment, I have this giant new fucking barrier where I can’t even look or glance with my eyes, her computer.

So I’m starting to wonder if maybe writing on my own blog won’t be enough.  Years and years ago, I went through a lot of self help work to clear my head from the crazy crap that I had to deal with living with my parents and family.

That helped me tremendously and I am a better person for it.  But this time around, as I sit here today 2 days after the date and 5 days after the revelation that she had this relationship via her computer, a computer that is now 6 feet away from me in her lap, I kind of think that I either more time to cope with this or maybe I need to go find a therapist.

btw I’m going to look for a therapist tomorrow.

I don’t think I’m going to snap and go psycho or anything.  I don’t think you will be reading about the latest nut job to go off the deepend.  I’m mostly worried that my inability to cope is going to further erode my relationship with my wife and bring about the problem that I’m trying to avoid.  If I can get help dealing with my own thoughts and still be able to make my wife happy by talking through some of this stuff, well I’ll do it.

Right now, I’m going to go jogging, to try and burn some of this negative energy out of me.  I’m sitting here writing this and I’m sweating so profusely (and it stinks) that I know I’ve got some toxins in me that need to be expunged.

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