Thanks for your perspective. I do agree with your advice and your insights into the situation. Emotionally the real challenge was the initial/surprise unveil. For a few weeks this was taking place, not so much behind my back, but without my knowledge of the new relationship.

So when the curtain was revealed and I learned what was happening, I didn’t know how much ‘further’ the relationship might have grown. That made it difficult to get a perspective on just this communications/text aspect of things. It was even more difficult since they had met in person prior. I could put a face to this person in my mind, and I could envision him touching her, because I had seen it.

Now, a few weeks later, I’ve been able to objectively consider things a little more clearly. From a rational perspective, I always understoood what you explained above. But sometimes even knowing things intellectually, doesn’t enable your rational side to cope with your emotional reaction to things especially when they are a surprise.

So from that perspective, I hope that my experience might also help others that encounter this type of thing in a surprising way. Be prepared for an onslaught of emotions and doubt, that just won’t subside by thinking things through. You have to take a bunch of deep breaths and let some time slide by to get some distance between the brand new knowledge that you have gained about your spouse.

I have been thru the roller-coaster ride of emotions and I admit there are times when I almost call it quits.

But in the end you will be amaze of things that you will learn about yourself and what you are capable of.

Your wife is not really into the CHEATING thing… but it is more of trying to rekindle the old feeling of excitement and mystery…like when you both started in your relationship. After more than ten years of marriage these things will actually fade…gone.. and then your wife will try to wonder …how it would be nice to feel it again… It took me a while to realized… so I opened up myself…and took the risk (risk of losing her)…but you have a very strong base… your family and Kids… this will really take a hurricane of bad events before you will be shaken so no need worry.

I allowed her to explore her emotions but it has to be in the context of helping our marriage. I allowed her to email, talk or chat with her male friends. If we have to meet them I have to be there with her. I did not restrict her… she shared everything…and I can see that it really makes her feel happy and in return it will make your relationship better. That new feeling of excitement will actually be manifested in your marriage… and it feels like being newlywed again… Yes, there will be a wave of great sex and intimacy between both of you. I guess it is because you will feel jealous, challenge, love, afraid of losing her and tons of other emotions.

Word of advice:
If something is bothering you ….trust your male/husband instinct… and tell your wife about how you feel and what you are thinking about Her male friend. Sometimes married couples need to be reminded of things of how each one of you felt.

The solution is MAKE YOUR PARTNER YOUR TOP PRIORITY…

As you said you have a solid foundation of your marriage…both of you have been thru a lot in your married life. These are the things that you hold on to and will keep you safe.

Sometimes, you just have to say, “That makes me uncomfortable. Please stop.” No explanation, no reason, no ugly precedent. It’s just the way it is.

I’d agree with your sentiments when you say

You make your partner your top priority.

But the issue here is also one of what is an appropriate relationship for either of us to have outside of our marriage. If she can’t talk to a male friend online, should I be able to talk to a female friend? Should I be able to respond to your comment for example?

In this situation, the friendship that Becky developed started a little on the wild side and then changed into something else. But if I attempt to stop her from ever talking with Hobie again, that sets an ugly precedent in our marriage going forward for either of us.

I think the nudie bar analogy is not off base either. Its just a different dimension in the realm of potential other things that can come up in a relationship that can go from meeting a stranger and flirting to going to a nudie bar and tipping a stripper to chatting with a member of the opposite sex online regularly regardless of medium, to going to a pornographic site on the web.

I suspect the solution to avoiding conflict or hurting your significant other is going to include one part of moderation and one part of being relatively transparent. If you are chatting online or in text messages all day and all night with someone else, that might indicate a problem. If you are spending 15 hours a day looking at internet porn, that might be a problem. If you spend hundreds of dollars per week at a nudie bar, that might be a problem.

Where as doing any of those things occasionally or in extreme moderation may not be a problem, especially if you are able to be open about it with your significant other. In general, if you feel the need to hide it, or coincidentally just never mention it and also engage in this type of thing very often, then that would seem to be the point where the boundary is crossed and you are probably hurting your spouse whether or not either of you know it, yet.

You love and respect each other. If one is doing something that makes the other uncomfortable, the uncomfortable one asks the other to stop. If the other doesn’t stop, it shows a lack of love and respect. At that point, professional help is in order.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a woman who doesn’t want her husband going to the nudie bar every night after work or a husband who isn’t comfortable with his wife having an online relationship with a straight man. If one of you is uncomfortable with the situation, the other must change the situation. It isn’t about feelings or fears being valid, it’s about priorities. You make your partner your top priority. Period.